This morning as I lay here like I have a hangover, I wonder what life would have been like if you were still lying next to me.. See my former fiance decided to be..you know..taken by another less attractive woman that I compared myself to so long so I hated myself.. The color of my skin..why? Because he moved on and she was what the world calls white.. I thought if i changed my behavior I might win his heart back but thats never the way as I downed wine glass after wine glass and gave up more ass to other strange men I didn’t even know.. I imagined every last one was him..my ex. Why did I think sex would heal my heart..no it just broke me further apart. See the relationship was toxic to me but healed him so i guess my sacrifice, my crucifixion was worth it as he now has a healthy relationship with her. Even though she’s going through a divorce, my ex is living a better life and I found out he’s quite interested in making her his new potential wife. He’s already moved in and even her four younger babies accepted him..called him daddy before him and I split. You wanna ask me.. How hard did that hit? It hurt my soul because I gave it to him when he literally cried out to me his fears and doubts..see I thought he trusted me. He let me see his anguish and I was his peace. Yet maybe I wasnt enough..not even when I drove 27 hours in my newest car just to show him Im qualified to serve as a wife and more. He screwed me like a whore and made me pay in more ways than one. My last words for him were..I hope you had fun. Not to mention he has a daughter close to adulthood whom I have learned still wants me in her life who still believes I was the correct wife..but none of this is my business any longer. All of this happened last July but maybe it started six months before when I’d call him long distance and I didnt hear his voice as much or when I’d fly up to visit he’s declining my gentle touch. As much as I want to scream why.. Why did he leave? Nearly a year later the memories are as they were then.. So DON’T say get over it because his soul somehow won’t leave.. When he calls randomly to check on me as he sneaks his call in because he knows his new girlfriend won’t allow what I did..when this happens I feel different but somehow left to believe he was stolen property. Dont judge my belief on this because the first thing that happens when husbands cheat the wives get out of pocket. The truth is.. This pain is teaching me to heal.. It’s providing me a way to get real with whats in front of me..my reality. And to make the vision plain for the path I wish to travel now.. And it wont be back to him no matter how much my heart begs for his return..I guess theres no longer a need for you to raise your eyebrow. Im just over here like Usher..letting it burn!