Today I was tempted to envy everyone doing better than I am..
I was tempted to show contempt for those who go against the grain and stand against the program..
Tonight as the moon rises high, I remember feeling like love has passed me by. Many happy couples are created during this season but it makes me ask the reason they connected. As in. WHY?
I envy because I wish there was a guy to cuddle or spend some time getting fit with. I envy because I wonder if couples even dream out loud, mentally naked.
No longer clothed with self doubt or depression or anxiety..no longer wearing the shoes of anguish and the socks of wrath. This is what happens when you’re filled with 1/4 of envy and 7/8 of emotional clutter..things haven’t been adding up lately. Things are missing..tell me this isn’t the new math.
I envy because love slipped away from my grasp a few short months back..now he’s happy and has the emotional strength and couple’s compatibility to match. I envy his new love of his life and the chance that she will be his wife.
Then again I ask myself was I ready at the time to take my freedom off of the shelf.
Was I ready and prepared to trust a guy with my whole heart..can I take this chance before he has a chance to rip it completely apart?
Soo I wonder why am I finding myself distracted with envy after knowing that love won’t find me in this mindstate.. because I desire to love more than I desire to hate.